Me Too

Over the past year, there has been a palpable shift in our culture. It is a shift of demanding accountability for those who have violated women in unthinkable ways. It is a shift in holding perpetrators accountable for their actions, regardless of their salary or status. It is a long overdue shift that has required much courage from the victims and light shining into the darkest (and often very painful) places of their stories.  The #metoo campaign is a popular social media awareness strategy that has shed light on the vastness of this issue, as everyone from celebrities to my personal friends have come forward with their stories.

It is time that I share mine.

While my story pales in comparison to the most traumatizing experiences of so many women, it is a story that has marked me profoundly:

It was the summer of 2003, and I had just graduated high school in the small town where I had lived my entire life. I had been so fortunate to grow up in a stable home, where I was taught by my wonderful parents that I could be anything I wanted to be. I took this quite literally and held nothing back as I took advantage of every opportunity afforded me in my small town: playing sports year round, serving as co-captain of the cheerleading squad, leading as Sr. Class President, and being elected as Homecoming Queen. I was very involved in my church youth group, and I felt solid in my faith (at least as much as a teenager can!) I had been awarded a full scholarship to the University of Oklahoma, and I was extremely eager and optimistic about the future. If high school had been such a great experience, I couldn't even imagine what wondrous adventures college would bring! 

That summer, I attended Camp Crimson, an orientation for incoming students. It was a week filled with learning traditions of the University and forming camaraderie among the thousands of incoming freshmen. But it also brought a haunting experience and an important lesson that I had never anticipated...

The first time that the camp director - a university employee - approached me and struck up a friendly conversation, I thought nothing of it. I was very outgoing, and I appreciated him taking the chance to acknowledge me, among the thousands of other college kids he was overseeing that week. I continued to see him in passing over the first couple of days, and he always made eye contact and smiled, acknowledging me. It seemed friendly enough, and I even began to feel a little special; once a leader in my small high school class, I was now only a face among several thousand incoming freshman - and someone in a high position continued to recognize my presence!

But one night at a camp social function, he found me among the crowd... and by found me, I mean that he came up behind me, touching me very inappropriately, and whispering in my ear a sexually explicit comment. I was caught off guard completely. This was very unexpected, and I didn't know what to do. "Was my outfit too revealing? Was I dancing in a way that made him say/do that?" I remember thinking. I didn't even know what to say, so I just nervously laughed and tried to distance myself from him.

The next evening there was an outdoor movie on the lawn outside our dormitories. I was seated among new friends, laughing and enjoying the show...until someone ahead of me caught my eye. It was him. He was also seated on the lawn among a group of students but was clearly looking directly at me. When I caught his gaze, he began to make gestures with his hands and his mouth - clearly sexual suggestions towards me. Again, I was in disbelief. This was not simply an immature college boy... this was a man in a high position, whose job was to make the incoming freshmen feel comfortable on campus. And he was doing anything but that.

Throughout the rest of the week, he continued to find me among the crowds, always saying or doing something that made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I felt like I couldn't escape his gaze, no matter where I was on campus. I intentionally made sure I was never alone, especially around him. I told no one.

On the last day of camp, my parents arrived to pick me up. I couldn't have been more ready to leave the campus that I had previously been so excited to visit. As we loaded my suitcase into the back of our car, I breathed a sigh of relief that I was finally distancing myself from a man who had made me feel more uncomfortable than anyone in my life ever had. 

But, as if to remind me that I couldn't escape him, he drove by on his golf cart and slowed as he approached our car. He smiled and waved, as if to innocently say goodbye. In that moment, I felt threatened as if he were silently warning me not to say anything to my parents...but I knew I had to.

The series of conversations that happened next are now a blur in my mind. I can't remember if it was on the drive home or if it took me a few days, but eventually I recounted the week's events to my parents. Though I knew deep down that this man had a problem, I also questioned what I had done to bring this on. My parents were quick to reassure me that no man should ever make me feel that way...and they were quick to take action.

My father contacted the University and filed an official complaint. Though he asked me to recall the details to him so that he could accurately relay them, he also protected my dignity and never made me personally talk to university officials on my own. Through a series of emails and phone calls, my parents went to battle on my behalf. I was grateful, but also terrified; what would this mean for my scholarship? Would this complaint against a University employee jeopardize my future?

But when we received an official notification that the camp director had been terminated and was no longer employed by the university, the entire process was suddenly worth it. If my courage to speak up saved another young woman from being violated, it was worth it. If this man had so boldly gone out of his way to offend me - a random college girl among thousands of others - it's likely that I was not his only victim. I suspect that his pattern of behavior around me was only the tip of the iceberg, and I imagine that my complaint was not the first that the University had received against him. 

Through this experience, I learned so much. I learned that the victim mentality is a real thing (Was it my fault? What had I done to cause his actions?) and that staying quiet about things that make you uncomfortable is never the right answer. When you know in your heart that the sick feelings in your stomach are there for a reason, it's time to speak up.

I also learned the power of a parent's guidance and protection, and I aspire to display the kind of fierce love for my children that my parents did for me - the kind that will go to battle for them in any situation, no matter what the risk. I am grateful for a University that took corrective action based off of my complaints (and possibly the complaints of others?) without demanding hard evidence or putting me through an interrogation. They protected my dignity while holding one of their own staff members accountable for his actions.

This is what our world needs more of. This is what our country, government, and citizens need more of. Protection for victims to speak out. Respect for the dignity of persons involved. Accountability for those who have committed the crime.

We all have stories, some more tragic than others. It's time to speak out and let them be heard (whether to the world or simply to a confided friend). Silence accomplishes nothing.

Me too,
L